Cancer Blog #105
By Brian Zimmerman
Begun on July 31, 2021
Email: dyingman1@yahoo.com
My Dying Words
Entry #105– Medical Update
Today (April 24) marks 11 weeks since my last chemo treatment (which was on February 7). I thought I’d just do a quick update on how that’s going and then share a small meditation.
Medical Update: I thought when this chemo vacation started it would be pretty much a uniformly positive experience. I found, to my surprise, that it’s more of a mixed bag.
Pluses
1. I do have more strength. As my wife has pointed out several times, I have been mowing without needing the lawn folks as I did about half the time last summer (some would say that’s not much of a plus as they hate mowing, but I actually enjoy it). Also, now when I squat to pick up something, my legs don’t feel weak and rubbery.
2. When I wake up in the morning, I don’t feel as if my nervous system is vibrating, or something like that. It’s a disconcerting, uncomfortable feeling accompanied by hand jitters and other unpleasant effects.
3. I rarely have shortness of breath from GI causes. We never figured out what caused it, but the fix was a medication called Budesonide. It took 20 to 40 minutes to make the symptoms subside. The feeling ranged from very unpleasant to very disconcerting. I’m glad to have it happen only rarely now.
4. My hair on my head (scalp and face) has grown back (or completely as it ever was) and is even as dark as it used to be. Not a big deal, but still it is another unwanted side effect that disappeared.
That’s about it. I know I sound stingy on the plus side, but I honestly can’t think of many more. I believe it possible that some the remaining side effects are because there’s been permanent damage to my central nervous and immune systems.
Minuses
1. Itching. I can’t believe it’s a new side effect, but apparently so. It started some weeks ago and has gotten worse. And, it’s difficult to treat. It’s especially hard to understand why I have it as I’m still on prednisone (I’ve gone down from 15mg to 12mg), and it started before I started lowering the prednisone. So, why? It’s hard to say, which is what my oncologist and oncology nurse practitioner said. The only treatment I’m receiving is to take double the daily dose of Zyrtec (the second generation antihistamine (second generation means it’s an antihistamine that’s not supposed to cause drowsy as the first generation did (like Benadryl)), which is only mildly helpful.
2. Other symptoms still remain, such as:
*lethargy: I sleep more than ever, and still feel tired all the time. This afternoon I actually fell asleep sitting on the screened in porch while watching my wife play (sort of) a card game with our youngest granddaughter.
*neuropathy: it’s the same or worse. It was worse this afternoon with my fingers feeling more numb than usual. And, I’ve had what I think is arthritis in the base of my thumb (the CMC joint (carpometacarpal joint), and today it went from an occasional mild pain to a very sharp, almost excruciating one. I almost dropped something I was trying to pick up because of it. It’s gotten better this afternoon, but why? Makes no sense to me.
*balance: I still stagger around at times. Okay, it might be often.
So, after almost 3 months of chemo vacation, I was hoping for more improvement. But, I’ll take what I can get. The other – the more permanent effects – will just have to be accepted.
Meditation: Philippians 4:11-13: “…I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.”
In vs.11, Paul gives us a general principle of suffering. He applies that principle in the verses that follow for having contentment in various economic situations (which would be a good meditation for any culture, but especially in ours).
But, I think that principle could be applied to our health as well. Our health is like our wealth – it may be better or worse, and it’s something we earnestly want to improve or prevent from declining. Though, as with wealth, we should act with prudence in regards to its possession, we should learn contentment with whatever it may be today – even when what’s happened is completely outside of our control. That approach is a hard discipline to learn, or at least it has been for me. Mine took a sudden and dramatic turn for the worse 3 years ago, like a stock market crash, going from virtually no health issues to a terminal diagnosis, from being health “wealthy” to health “poor” overnight. From feeling well virtually every day to feeling badly every day. But, it has taught me the need each morning not to rely on my health for my joy, but on the only one who can give joy and contentment in these circumstances. And, it has also shown me the importance of loving and caring for others in their sufferings, even when that suffering is the result of their behavior. Actually, in one sense, all suffering is “our” fault because the curse came on us not because we were born guiltless, but because we all are a part of a sinful and thus suffering humanity. Jesus as our high priest suffered in this age as we have. And, that suffering He underwent without sin, in no way deserving it. So, now we can trust Him to help us when we suffer. He is no distant God, afflicting us as One who is untouched by our pain. Rather, He’s a Savior who has lived also under the burden of the curse, and He did it because He loved us and cared for us. That’s what I want to learn. Not only not to complain in my sufferings (again, following His example), but to stop thinking of my sufferings so much, and to see how I can help others bear their own as He did mine with His life. May God grant me grace to continue to improve in my ability to do just that.