Cancer Blog #107
By Brian Zimmerman
Begun on July 31, 2021
Email: dyingman1@yahoo.com
My Dying Words
Entry #107: Medical Update and a Short Meditation
Medical Update (07/02/2024): Really, it surprises me that I have so many symptoms of my chemo. They are still there, e.g., the lethargy. My lung scarring is worse, as I say below. But, my gut is somewhat better; I take ½ – 1 tablets of Imodium and several gas tablets per day (and more if I need them, which I often do). In fact, the nurse practitioner at the primary care office told me to stop the Losartan. No more high blood pressure medication. She also checked my chem report: Sodium, potassium, alkaline phosphatase, etc. They were all normal. So, it would be untrue to say that all my chemo symptoms have disappeared (and my hair – such as it was – has mostly come back so I don’t look so sick). But, I’m still very sick and short of breath.
My three biggest issues are still shortness of breath (SOB), for which I often have to take Budesonide (the corticosteroid confined to my gut) and now my generalized itching, and the gout in my toe (large right one). I know I said the latter two were gone, but I was mistaken. All three come and go. I don’t understand it, but just treat them when I have to. I’ll see what the pulmonologist says about my lungs August 8.
I do have one piece of good news, and then will give a brief meditation.
The good news is this: As usual, I was going through my library, book by book, morning by morning. This time I picked up an old Merck Manual (2006, which was bought when I was in PT school). I read some entries, one on mine (esophageal CA. Did you know that if you have an H. pylori infection in the stomach, you are 6-7x as likely to get esophageal CA? I would say without checking that I’m infected with an asymptomatic case of H. pylori), and on several other diseases. Then it mentioned the website: merckmanuals.com I thought it was probably dead; just some old website. But, far from it: it was alive and active. The print edition is expensive: $79.95 for the 20th edition (last printed 2018). Too expensive for me, plus it’s already outdated. So, I looked at the mobile app on the website and I was stunned: it’s absolutely free! I couldn’t believe it! So, to get it, go to the App Store (for Apple iPhone) (or Google Play Store, I think), and choose either the Professional Edition (if you have a medical background. It’s designed for MD’s or health professionals) or the Consumer Edition (same info as the Professional version, but written so any layman can understand). Anyway, the point is it (the Merck Manual) is absolutely free (well worth the little bit of work it takes to install it).
Mediation: [Psa 78:38-39] 38 But He, being compassionate, forgave [their] iniquity and did not destroy [them;] And often He restrained His anger And did not arouse all His wrath. 39 Thus He remembered that they were but flesh, A wind that passes and does not return.
We have a string of Christmas lights going from our living room to dining room. And I noticed a week or so ago that half the string was burned out. And, I thought to myself: “That’s exactly how I feel: more than half burned out.” And as the psalmist tells us, that’s how God looks at us: we are but flesh, a wind that passes and does not return. If we may speak of it this way (and the psalmist does), God is surprised by the brevity of our life span. Like a string of Christmas lights, we burn brightly for a short time, then go out, never to return. Except in my case, half of my lights are gone, never to return; I’m almost done. But, in God’s eyes, we all so quickly reach 70 or 80 or 90 years. They are nothing to someone like Him who has seen many thousands of years (trying to use time to help us to understand eternity). Don’t waste your shortened life striving after the things of this age. Our life is but preparation for an expanse of time (eternity to us) we cannot now conceive. God gave me a few “lights” to warn me, and to prepare us for death, to indeed embrace it. You will not return, as psalmist says. So, the scriptures warn us as well – but Jesus will return and so we must be ready. He died for creation, but primarily for us, for people. People are the most important part of anything – not science, philosophy, languages, land, machine, possessions. All these things are important, but they can distract us and cause us to forget who Jesus primarily died for. We have little time and should use it wisely. We will not return.
Amen.