Cancer Blog #13
By Brian Zimmerman
Begun on July 31, 2021
Email: dyingman1@yahoo.com
My Dying Words
Entry #13
September 17, 2021
My Brain (not Brian) problem
I thought I’d take just a few words to speak about “chemo brain”. I always wondered about it as I heard patients mention it to me, but didn’t know much about it. I think it’s sort of a wastebasket term, a catchall, for mental problems you suffer as you undergo chemo treatments. It usually refers to difficulties with word recall, memory, etc. My feeling is that it’s another central system effect of the chemo treatments so I lump a number of my problems under chemo brain.
The Never Ending Checkout
I’ll give several examples of things I call “chemo brain”. I was at Kroger yesterday and went through the self-checkout line. I had to check out three times. Yeah, you read that correctly. The first time the attendant had to come over to say I was over 21 for some Pumpkin ale I had purchased. I closed out my purchase and then found when transferring my purchases back into the grocery basket that I had left some yogurt and a container of nutmeg in there. So, checkout # 2. Then, I left the line and was putting up my cart at the entrance to the store and found a digital thermometer in the cart that I hadn’t paid for. Back to the self-checkout line for checkout# 3.
Seeing is Not Believing
Another example: Some time back, my wife and I were in worship when I began to see a dog coming up to me and touching my leg. Of course, I kept fading in and out fighting my grogginess, and so I wasn’t alarmed by the incident, but I leaned over and whispered to my wife that we needed to move out to the chairs that the church has in its large foyer where I felt that I could fade in and out of attention to the worship service without risking disturbing anyone else, and where it would be easy to leave it I got too bad. I’ve hallucinated only once more in my life that I can remember and that was when my fever as a young adult went to around 103 degrees. Mainly I remember thinking crazy stuff, but I saw some as well. Again, I wasn’t particularly alarmed as I knew the cause. Anyway, the point is that chemo brain can be a cause of hallucinations, but also of just disturbing forgetfulness as I’ve had patients report to me. I’ve also noticed more problems with word choice, sometimes having to get on Google to find a word that I should know, but just can’t recall. And, trying to remember things, even things my wife just told me. But, the big problem is for trying to multitask. I find that if I focus on just doing one thing, I can do it fairly well (like writing a blog entry). But, if I let my mind wander, then I can’t keep both the task I’m doing and the thoughts I’m having stay on track for very long. So, I try to limit what I’m doing to one task at a time. If I’m speaking with someone, I tend to stop whatever else I may be doing (for instance, typing a blog entry when someone calls me), and focus on just the conversation. Some days are better than others and may be easier to do some multitasking. I was always a list person, but now I need to keep a piece of paper and pen in my pocket to write things down when I think of them (like changing the AC filter) (or sometimes I use the Note function in my iPhone because I usually carry that with me) because it’s unlikely I’ll remember the thought later. As I’ve said before, my side effects change from day to day, and sometimes from hour to hour. My wife said recently, “I used to ask you how you’re feeling today [back when I started chemo]. But, I changed to asking how you are right now as how you were an hour ago may not be relevant.” Very true.
The Fog
Of course, as I mentioned before there is a constant issue with memory. My wife will tell me something and 5 minutes later, I can’t remember what she said. Also, I sometimes think I did something and find I didn’t. Makes for an awkward situation with my wife when I tell her I did something but didn’t. Fortunately, she gets it and is patient with my foibles. Of course, the opposite is also true, I do something and then forget I did. Sheesh. Of course, then there’s the regular issue of losing things that I just had in my hand. Or, going to a room and forgetting before I get there why I was going. None of these are major problems, but they are a steady source of irritation, not to mention disorientation, for me.
Next entry, I’ll discuss new side effects and give an update on my medical situation.