Cancer Blog #71
By Brian Zimmerman
Begun on July 31, 2021
Email: dyingman1@yahoo.com
My Dying Words
Entry #71– Why Be Afraid?
February 9, 2023
[Isa 51:12-13] 12 “I, even I, am He who comforts you. Who are you that you are afraid of man who dies And of the son of man who is made like grass, 13 That you have forgotten the LORD your Maker, Who stretched out the heavens And laid the foundations of the earth, That you fear continually all day long because of the fury of the oppressor, As he makes ready to destroy? But where is the fury of the oppressor?
Isaiah continues in his rebuke of those of us who lose sight of the big picture at times – and death is a key part of that rebuke. A friend of mine years ago introduced me to the phrase “The tyranny of the immediate,” to help me see the difference between short term and long term thinking, with goals, plans, etc. We see something similar here in Isaiah. We may face someone who has the power to harm, angry and powerful, and there is no escape that we can see. In Isaiah’s case the man is likely a king or a general capable of using political or military means to attack the Jewish nation. They physically saw no escape, no more powerful political or military leader to protect them. But, this same principle applies to us: it could be a supervisor or manager at work, a large customer threatening to get us dismissed from their account, a professor, a coach, a government bureaucrat, a policeman, a neighbor, a family member, and so on. There’s no end to those who threaten.
Yet, God, through Isaiah, tells us we are seeing with “lying eyes”. He enjoins us to look from a different perspective. We see all around us the work of our Creator, He who made the heavens that tower so far above us that we cannot see their end, and laid the foundations of the earth that support the mountains, plains, and vast oceans. Yet we are overwhelmed by the immediate tyrant, one who is only mortal, who will die just like us. He, like us, is only grass that will wither and be blown away (as we saw in the last entry) by his Maker, just like us. May death grant that you take heart facing whatever person immediately confronts you bringing trouble and fear. Fear no more, as you take refuge and remember the mighty and eternal Lord. He has the power to deliver you whenever He deems it right, as the One who cares for you.
Next: Courage in Dying
Medical Update
I had my second infusion with two drugs last Friday (February 17) and it went fairly well, though I still felt somewhat shaky and weak afterwards. The treatment room nurse also started the pump with the 5FU drug, and I carried the pump home with me. Unfortunately, I would have to miss worship as the pump would end around the beginning of worship, and when it ends it makes a lot of beeping noise that I wasn’t sure how or even if you could shut off. So, come Sunday morning, around 730am, I was walking in our bedroom to go brush my teeth and the pump began to beep. Very odd. Should have finished after 10am. I looked at the LCD screen and it reported something like, “Occlusion in non-disposable tubing”, whatever that meant. We check all the tubing and the plastic clamps to see if anything was pinched – nothing. Finally my wife (I think I’ve mentioned she used to be a surgical RN) told me to take my shirt off and she noticed that under the tegaderm (the plastic patch covering the right angle IV needle where it entered the portacath), there was a big bubble. So then we were concerned the portacath may be occluded. My wife was leaving to teach the 2-year old Sunday School class and so my daughter (who is also a surgical RN) came over to remove the pump with its needle. But, to our great surprise, the bubble wasn’t 5-fluorouracil (5FU), but just air! We were very confused. The oncologist on call had told us to remove the pump and needle, and she scheduled a visit at the office for Monday (February 20).
On Monday, I dutifully went and the treatment room RN checked my portacath and it was fine (thank the Lord!). So, the conclusion was that the problem was likely in the pump itself, which was not an uncommon problem. I was fortunate to have received over 95% of the treatment drug, so all was good. Of course, the side effects continued this week with severe lethargy at times, somewhat painful skin breakdown, photo phobia (my eyes can get very sensitive to light), and all the usual suspects. The neuropathy is somewhat worse, but it waxes and wanes. My next treatment is on Wednesday, March 1 (so I can go to worship, I hope!).