Cancer Blog #91
By Brian Zimmerman
Begun on July 31, 2021
Email: dyingman1@yahoo.com
My Dying Words
Entry #91– Medical Updates and Book Review
August 14, 2023
Medical Update I: Well, we just got back from the beach (Saturday, August 12). It was quite surprising: for 4 days I basically had no “attacks” (as I’ve described before – side effects appearing that had disappeared, or side effects (e.g., neuropathy) that intensify in severity). In fact, it’s the best I’ve felt for days at a time in months. Obvious, it’s a wonderful answer to many prayers for our trip, but it might also have been secondarily because I didn’t take the 5-FU (the 2-day home pump drug) during the last treatment session. Who knows? I have also noticed that several of my side effects have lessened or disappeared. I was able to drive about 5 ½ hours not including several stops though I got weary at the end, and had very few problems coming back and felt good arriving home. While at the beach, I did have several attacks beginning on Tuesday. Fortunately, my wife – always with so much wisdom – had hired Beach Bell Hops (a couple of high school guys) to unload and load our van, which turned out to be a great idea.
I couldn’t stay at the beach long each day, usually only between 1 and 2 hours, and that under a canopy. After that I would get in the ocean water and then go back to the vacation house. The first day I went out into the surf up to my knees and the movement of the water knocked me sideways and I fell. My legs were weaker than I had thought. I was able to dive under a small wave and struggled to get up. The second day was steadier walking in the water and came up easier from the wave. The third day was the problem. I was somewhat unsteady walking in the surf, but when I dove under the small wave (like up to my chest), I was knocked back on my haunches, but then the next wave pushed me down into a sitting position facing the ocean. I couldn’t get up from that position with each successive wave pushing back and down. I was constantly having to take a breath and then try to stand. I couldn’t. After 3 or 4 of those waves I thought, “I can’t keep this up; I don’t have enough lung capacity.” Fortunately, my wife was standing nearby and came over and helped me up. Okay, lesson learned. My legs are not ocean certified any more. I can enter the ocean only when guarded.
But, in general, God was very good to us. We were able to have my sister-in-law drive down to visit for several days, and then my daughter and her family came for more than half the week. And, I’m home now, and have suffered no ill effects from the drive back. In fact, my wife and lifted weights today (Monday), and I’m feeling pretty well. My next treatment is Wednesday (August 16) and we’ll see how that goes. But, I’m so thankful to God that our trip went so well.
Medical Update II: On Wednesday (August 16) I was once again treated by IV with two chemo drugs. Near the end I became more dizzy and nauseated and stayed that way through the evening and remained that way when I awoke Thursday morning. I took extra prednisone that helped to mitigate the symptoms, though I still have a residue of those symptoms. That enabled me to run some short (driving) errands (took about an hour), and then to do a few short and simple chores here at home. I think dropping the 5-FU drug has helped me recover more quickly.
My labs were generally good with one exception. My platelets took a rather large dive. The normal range is 150 – 400 1000/ul. Mine has been running in the low 200’s ever since I started chemo. This time it was 168 (roughly a 17% drop). The odds are that the new value is a fluke of some kind, either because of something going on temporarily in my body, or just a bogus reading. And, it was still within the normal range. The oncology team doesn’t really monitor it closely until it drops below 100, and then it isn’t until it hits 50 or less that they become concerned. So no immediate cause for alarm. But the other possibility the oncologist mentioned is that my bone marrow may be starting to fail. His point was that I have had a lot of chemo pumped into me the last 2 1/3 years, and it may be reaching a point where the bone marrow just can’t take it. On day 1 of my chemo treatment he said that taking chemo was for my bone marrow like me climbing into a boxing ring with a professional boxer. How many times could I be knocked down and still get up? My bone marrow may be starting to stay down. The bigger point here is that I can’t take chemo in perpetuity. At some point I’ll have to stop. I think that was the point of another thing the oncologist said to me when after a year he showed me the hockey stick chart (that I’ve discussed before). He had said that if I made it to two years, we would be having a different discussion. I think that discussion would revolve around stopping the chemo. As I mentioned in the previous entry, he was astonished by my status CT scan, showing that he thinks that I’m way past my sell-by date for chemo. So, at some point I’ll have to stop chemo as my body just can’t take it anymore. We petition God that my life would be and will be extended and it certainly has by God’s power, wisdom, and compassion. But as I said in my paper on healing, part of the nature of prayer, particularly our petitions, always has two parts. First, the petition part, as request we would like to have granted, and second, always, part two: “Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done.” No matter how many prayers we offer, my life nor anyone else’s will last forever. There is no prayer that will be answered for immortality in this age. It is only after our resurrection in Jesus that that request will be fulfilled. In the final analysis, our death is in God’s hands, and no one else’s. I am happy and content to leave my day of death in His hands as I know my resurrection with all the saints lies there as well!
Book Review: “Remember Death: the Surprising Path to Living Hope, “ by Matthew McCullough, 183pp, published by Crossway.
First, this section is not a real book review. It’s not that well organized and the book is not really critically analyzed. So, let’s just call this section a “book report”. This book was recommended to me by a friend as he said that McCullough touches on some of the same themes I have covered in this blog (though McCullough does it much better). McCullough says that there is a branch of church tradition known as the ars morendi (“the art of dying”). It sounds as if there was a common practice in the ancient church to help people who were terminally ill to die well. This book, however, is not written for that purpose (though it certainly should help), nor for those grieving someone who has died (again, it would be helpful). This book is about another branch of tradition that deals with memento mori (roughly, remember death). It is concerned more with the topic of Psalm 90:12: “Teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom.” As McCullough says (and I have said in my blog), it is a problem that receives almost no attention in our general culture (here and elsewhere in the Western world). It is only rarely touched on in evangelical churches. But, he argues that if we contemplate our own death, we will gain an understanding that we desperately need. It certainly has helped me by fostering humility, a deeper effort at repentance, and an increased joy because of the hope Jesus gave us in His resurrection. He meditates on several aspects of death such as why death has disappeared from our culture and vocabulary. Also, he gives a reflection on the fact that death teaches us that none of us are too important to die. He has chapters on death and futility, death and loss (the idea that absolutely nothing lasts), all of which he avers should help us correctly order our priorities.
To conclude: I would highly recommend this short book. He was a young pastor with a young congregation. If I remember correctly he relates that he had never preached a funeral and I believe had never seen anyone die. He was drawn to this topic as he was preaching his way verse by verse through the Bible and was struck by how many times the Bible addresses the problem of physical death. Though his congregation was comprised mainly of young people, he decided to preach on this topic. I’m sure his congregation was more than a little surprised. But, my guess is that they, like us older folks, needed this perspective. Maybe even more than us elderly do. It should remake any Christian’s values, from the beginning to the end of our lives. This book is worth reading not only once, but annually to remind us of the importance we have to “Remember Death”.